08 March 2006

Movie Review: ULTRA VIOLET

It was Marty's turn to pick the movie, and he picked ULTRAVIOLET starring Milla Jovovich. So the first sentence sounds like a cheap excuse doesnt it? Well....
It only earned 1 out of 5 bricks. Sorry guys.

I didnt realize it was a "Jackie Chan" movie until well into the film. The opening credits started off lively enough, portraying Ms.Violet in a number of Comic-Book style scenes of action. Many of the scenes
were direct tributes to the various genres and cliches of comic books (since the RR works at a comic store currently, this plays into a certain bias) and thus lulled me into a false sense of security as regards the flowering story.

But the setup was all for nought. Scene 1 Act 1, Ms Violet breaks into a high-tech high security facility that no agent has ever penetrated before. Note the italic sentence, more on that at the end of the review. Now the Jackie Chan put-down deserves a bit of comment. Mister Chan reeks of talent, does his own stunts, has aged well, and deserves the legions of fawning fan-boys he has garnered. however the aspect I'm referring to is the Hong-Kong cliche:

20 thugs with (weapon) rapidly 1 approach (hero) and 3 secondsTM later the thugs lie on the floor strewn about like tinder. Seconds is a trademarked term used with permission because due to _b_u_l_l_et__t_i_m_e_ the carnage takes at least 5 of the theatre's minutes to portray on screen. But its three seconds, trust me.

So in a Jackie Chan film the thug holds an AK47or its techno equivalent, with which he could safely hail bullets down to stop Jackie Violet dead in her tracks, from 30 feet away. Yet he chooses the honorable course of action and sprints up to Ms.J.Violet to apply the butt of the assault rifle to her noggin.
However she's used to rifle-butts at close range, and wastes the agent, and he's dead in the plaza, along with all his co-workers. In my opinion the "honorable" action is to shoot her, and live to take your paycheck home and look after Mrs.Agent and kids back at the duplex. What's going to become of wifey after Ultra-Violet wastes you in 3 seconds? Custom should dictate paternal care in the future, not a fighting style for the moment.

But I digress, and here's your non-spoiler: There's a kid in the flick, and he plies Ms.Violet's heartstrings because of her lost child from the before-movie-time. Now I spoil this, and yet I don't. There's 3 different things (contradictory) stated about this boy in the movie, and none of them are revealed to be true, and we're not clued in as to who of the characters may have been lying or misinformed when they spoke about the kid.
Did the Tyrant lie? Did the Vampire mislead? Did the Doctor mis-diagnose? The boys difficulties did not seem to be adequately solved during the flick. Not that it matters. We're too busy watching Violet waste hired goons in vast piles of severed limbs and diced mens. And another thing, the first time she's in a "fair" fight, ie one against someone with suprahuman abilities like hers, its given 1 minute on screen time. And then back to mucho minutes wasting thugs.

Now the looks of the films are superb. Milla's filmed in soft focus and she's quite attractive as a brunette. But they reused locations from the X-Men films. And methinks they tried to make the Tyrant look like G.W.B. a little too much. And yet the unsatifaction lingers. and here's why. If you remember the italics from before, I'm getting so tired of movies with the Harry Potter Syndrome.

Here's Harry Potter:
No-one's ever been accepted to the Academy at such a young age. BH.
No-one's ever defeated the living chess game.BH.
No-one's ever been the fourth player in the triad challenge.BH.
No-one's ever defeated a dragon in hand-to-hand combat while still a freshman.BH.
No-one's ever been accepted into the Order before graduation.BH.
No-one's ever been champion quiddich rider so early.BH.
No-one's ever grabbed the golden fob so readily in the tournaments.BH.
No-one's ever wasted an archmage while still an apprentice.BH.

BH means Before Harry did it. or But Harry Potter did it. or Better than Harry did.

So when the opening scene of the movie breaks Violet into the unbreakable, suddenly my Dr.Pepper has the same taste it did 4 months ago during Harry Potter; ie somewhat bilious. And I don't enjoy the WWF either, sorry.

1 comment:

Egyptoid said...

Or Jet Li, or HK films, or Jackie Chan, or Tango & Cash, or Chuck Norris, or Mr. T, or Rocky VIII, etc. etc. etc.